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2014最新最經(jīng)典英語(yǔ)笑話集錦
◆Teacher: “In the old days men were often put in prison with- out any proper reason;but today we never think of puni- shing people for things they have not done.” Bad boy: (sulki- ly): “Then why was I criti- cized yester- day because I didn’t do my homework?”
◆Teacher: “Tommy, where was the Declaration of Independence signed?”Tommy: “At the bottom , I guess.”
◆First pupil: “What word be- comes shorter if you add two letters to it?”Second pupil: “Oh , I know. It’s” short”.
◆Professor Blank: “Hasn’t Jimmy ever married?”Student: “No, and I don’t think he intends to, because he’s studying for a bachelor’s de- gree.”
◆“A telegram from George, dear.” “Well, did he pass the exami-nation this time?” “No, but he is almost at the top of the list of those who failed.”
◆Miss Betty taught physics in a New York school. One day she said to herclass, ”Now, I have a brother in Los An-geles. If I was calling him on the phone, and at the sametime you were 75feet away, liste-ning to me, whichof you would hear what I saidearlier, my bro-ther or you-andfor what reason?”“One of the bright studentsat once answered, ”Your brother, Miss Betty, be-cause electri-city travels faster than sound waves.” But then, a girl said, ”I disagree, Miss Betty. Your brother would hear you earlier because when it’s eleven o’clock here, it’s eight o’clock in LosAngeles.”
◆Teacher: “What was George Wa- shington noted for?”Johnny: “His me- mory.”Teacher: “What makes you think his me- mory was so great?”Johnny: “They erected a mo- nument to it.”
◆Stud. : “I’m in- debted to you for all I know.”Prof. : “Oh, don’t mention such a mere trifle.”
◆“Now then, Joh-nny, ”said his master, ”if your father gave you eight cents andyour mother gaveyou six and youruncle gave youfour more, whatwould you have?” Johnny wrin-kled up his fo-rehead and went into silence for several minutes. “Come, come, ”said the master impatiently.” Surely you can solve a simple little problem like that.” “It isn’t a simple problem at all, ”replied the boy, ”I can’t make up my mind whether I’d haveice-scream or goto play video game players.”
◆Teacher: “When was Rome built ?”Student: “At night.” Teacher: “Who told you that? “Student: “You did. You said Rome was not built in a day.”
◆The absent-minded profe-ssor was busy in his study. “Have you see this?”said hiswife, entering.” There is a re-port in the pa-per of your death.” “Is that so?”returned the professor wi-thout looking up.” We must remem-ber to send a wreath.”
◆One day, when Mr. Black was gi-ving a lesson, hefound a studentnot listening tohim. Instead, he was writing a ltter. “Who are you writing to, my boy?”he asked kindly. “To nobody, ”the student co-vered the paper with his hands. “To nobody? Idon’t believe it.” “Oh, oh, to my-self, ”the stu-dent answered nervously. “What does your letter say then?” “Sorry, sir, howshould I know?Ihaven’t receivedit yet.”
◆Teacher: “How many feet are three dogs, two horses and a farmer?”Student: “Two be- cause all the rest are hoofs.”
◆(After visi-ting the Museum of History)Pupil A: “How do you think of the picture of King Henry the Eighth?”Pupil B: “Henry the Eighth?I must say the picture of Henry the Six- teenth.” Pupil A: “There was only King of Henry the Eighth in the British his- tory. Why do you say Henry the Sixteenth? “Pupil B: “Well, I saw his pic- ture twice.”
◆Teacher: “What are you going to do when you grow up, Tommie ?”Tommie: “Grow a beard so I won’t have so much face to wash.”
◆Teacher: “Millie, spell the word ‘mouse’.” Milie: “M-O-U-S.” Teacher: “But what’s at the end of it?”Milie: “A tail.”
◆Teacher: “Marion, why weren’t you in school yesterday?”Marion: “I had a bad tooth, miss.” Teacher: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Is it better now?”Marion: “I don’t know. I left it with the dentist.”
◆One German student studied in Oxford. One day he said to a girl student: “You have beautiful legs.” “Stop pullingmy leg, ” she an-swered with a smile. “I’m not pu-lling your legs. I’m just lookingat them.”
◆During a na-tural historylesson at school, Mary was asked to give the nameof an animal peculiar to South Afri-ca. “A polar bear!”replied Mary in-stantly. The teacher frowned repro-vingly.” Come, come!Mary, ”she said, ”Polar bears are not to be found in South Africa.” “I know, ”Maryanswered, ”that’swhy it would bepeculiar.”
◆1st pupil: “How do you like Mr. Smith’s class?” 2nd pupil: “I’m interested only in the last part of his class.” 1st pupil: “What is that?”2nd pupil: “Class is over.”
◆Stud. A: “Don’t bother me. I’m writing to my friend.” Stid. B: “But why are you wri- ting so slowly ?”Stud. A: “Well, she can’t read very fast.”
◆Teacher: “Johnson , will you co- rrect the fo- llowing sen- tence, please: the bull and the cow is in the field.” Johnson: “That should be’the cow and the bull is in the the field’, miss. Ladies should always go before gentlemen.”
◆Art teacher: “Pa- tricia, I told the class to draw a cow eating, but you have only drawn a cow.” Patricia: “Yes, sir—the cow has eaten all the grass.”
◆Teacher: “Kevin, why are you late this time ?”Kevin: “Please, sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home.” TeacherL: “I do not see any bandage.” Kevin: “Oh, they weren’t my fingers!”
◆A young tea-cher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon con-cert. To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to Spi-rit, Cocacola, instant coffee, ice-cream and cakes. Just as the pupils were getting back into their bus, she said to li-ttle Sally, ”Have you enjoyed yourself today?” “Oh, yes!”saidSally.” It’s lovely. All exe-cept the music, that is.”
◆Teacher: “Stone, give me three reasons why you know the earth to be round.” Stone: “Ma says so, Pa says so, and you say so !”
◆A: “How do you spell the word ‘wrong’?”B: “R-o-n-g.” A: “That’s wrong. “B: “That’s what you asked for. “
◆Pupil A: “I saw five persons standing under an umbrella and none of them got wet.” Pupil B: “Must have been a big umbrella.” Pupil A: “No. It wasn’t raining.”
◆Stud. A: “What did you get on your birthday? “Stud. B: “A year older.”
◆Two boys weretalking about the various accidents they have suffered. “Once I couldnot walk for more than one year.” “When was that?”asked the se-cond. “When I was a baby.” Then the 2nd said, ”YesterdayI fell off an eighty-foot la-dder.” “Were you hurt?” “No, I fell off the bottom rung. “
◆Professor: “Name two pronouns.” Student: “Who, me? “Professor: “Co- rrect. Sit down , Please.”
◆Teacher: “Oxygen is essential to all animal existence. There could be no life wi- thout it. It was discovered only a century ago.” Student: “How did they live be- fore it was discovered?”
◆Professor: “There is direct and indirect taxa- tion. Give me an example of indirect taxa- tion.” Student: “The dog tax, sir.” Professor: “How is that?”Student: “The dog itself does not have to pay it.”
◆Teacher: “Tommie, spell FROG.” Tommie: (rather frightened)” F-R-F-R... “ Then the boy sitting in back of him struck him with a pin and he yelled, ”Oh, gee!”Teacher: “Correct.”
◆Chem. teacher: “Can you give me the formula for water?”Student: “h-i-j-k -l-m-n-o.” Chem. teacher: “Where did you get an idea like that?”Student: “You told us it was H to O.” Chem. teacher: “My goodness!It should be H two O, in other words it is two H and one O.”
◆Teacher: “Parkman , please spell ‘banana’.” Parkman: “B-a-n-a -n-a-n-a... Well, I know how to spell it, but I don’t know when to stop.”
◆Billy and thisbrother Alan were in the same class. The tea-cher assigned them to write a composition”My Mother”. Alan wrote oneand Billy justcopied it. On the next day the teacher asked Billy, ”Howis it that your composition is exactly the samewith Alan?” “We have the same mother, sir. “replied Billy.
◆Phys. teacher: “What is usua- lly used as a conductor of electricity?”Student: “Why-er... “Phys. teacher: “Correct, wire. And now tell me the unit of electrical power.” Student: “The what?”Phys. teacher: “Yes. The watt.”
◆Teacher: “What do we get from sheep?”Boy: “Wool.” Teacher: “And what do we make from wool ?”Boy: “I don’t know.” Teacher: “Well, what’s your coat made of?”Boy: “My coat was made from father’s old coat.”
◆One day a tea-cher was givinga lesson to a class of boys. She told them to write a compo-sition about the last football match. One of the boys wrote a fewwords and put down his pen. Theteacher asked him: “Why aren’t you writing?”Theboy answered: “Ihave finished.” Then the teachertook his exer-cise book and read: “Rain. No play.”
◆Teacher: “(looking through Te- ddy’s home- work): “I won- der how one person could make so many mistakes.” Teddy: “It wasn’t one person, teacher, Father helped me.”
◆An inspector ina class: “Tell me , my little friend, how much do five and one make?” (No answer. )The inspector: “Suppose I give you five ra- bbits, and then another rabbit , how many ra- bbits will you have?”A child: “Seven.” The inspector: “Seven!How do you make that out?”The child: “I have one ra- bbit at home already.” (from www.nmet168.com)
◆Stud. A: “I don’t think our tea- cher wants to remain so thin.”Stud. B: “How do you know?”Stud. A: “I met her twice in bookstores. She was buying books on die- ting and sli- mming.” Stud. B: “Has she been following the advice in the books?”Stud. A: “Well, she says since she can’t find any books telling people how to gain weight, she has to practise con- trary to what the books su- ggest for plump figures. “
◆In a history class, a teacherasked a student: “Waht happenedin 1949 in Chi-nese history?” “It is the yearof the founding of the People’sRepublic of Chi-na , ”the student replied quickly. “Yes, you’re right. Then, whathappened in 1952?”the teacher asked again. The student thought for a while and an-swered: “Well, in thatyear, the New China was three years old.”
◆On his first day in school, one small boy was being inter-viewed by the school teacher. “Father’s name?”asked the tea-cher, trying to filling in a bigform. “Same as mine. ““No, no, no, ”said the teacher.” I mean his Christian name.” “Oh, I don’t know, miss, ”said the child. “Well, what does your mother call him?” “She calls him’darling’.”
◆Teacher: “Who can tell me some- thing of im- portance that didn’t exist one hundred years ago?”Small girl: “Me!”
◆Teacher: “Jackson , which is far- ther away, Eng- land or the moon?”Jackson: “England —you can see the moon, but you can’t see England.”
◆Stud. A: “What’s the difference between elec- tricity and lightning?”Stud. B: “You must pay for elec- tricity, but you don’t have to pay for lightning.”
◆Cooking teacher: “Helen, what are the best things to put in a fruitcake ?”Helen: “Teeth!”
◆Cooking teacher: “Tom, how can we prevent food from going bad?”Tom: “By eating it, miss.”
◆Teacher: “Tommy, what was the first thing James the First did on coming to the throne?”Tommy: “He sat down, miss.”
◆“What is the plural of man?”asked the tea-cher. “Men, ”answeredMary. “And the plu-ral of child?” “Twins, ”was the unexpectedreply.
◆Tom was re-quired to hand in aphoto for his library card. He hand in a photo of his fa-ther as a boy. The teacher asked, ”who isthe boy in the picture?” “It’s my dad. Can’t you see our resemblance?”“Why don’t youhand in a pic-ture of your own?”the teacher ask-ed. “I can’t findany but this onein my drawer. Since people all say that my faceis the exact copy of my dad’s, why can’t I useit as a substi-tute?”
◆First student: “There is a guy in our school who’s a real know-it-all. So I told him no- body liked that attitude. “Second student: “And what did he say?”First student: “He said he al- ready knew that.”
◆At college Percy fell intoa cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping. He didnot realize howlong he had neg-lected writing his family untilhe received thefollowing note: “Dear son, Your mother and I en-joyed your lastletter. Of course, we were much younger then, andmore impressio-nable. Love Dad.”
◆Mary began to go to school atthe age of six years old. She spent her firstday happily. Butat the end of the second day, when the other children left the classroom, she stayed be-hind and waited. “Why didn’t you go with the others, Mary?”herteacher asked kindly.”Did you want to ask me aquestion?” “Yes.” “What is it?”the teacher asked. “What did I do in school today?”The teacher laughed. “What did you ask me that, Mary?” “Beause I’m going to go homenow, ”Mary an-swered, ”and my mother is going to ask me.”
◆One day one ofthe girls in Rose’s class said to her, ”Miss Rose, why does a man’s hair become grey before his mus-tache and beard do?” Rose laughed and replied, ”I don’t know. Who can answer the question?” Then one ofthe boys said, ”I know, Miss Rose!Men’s hair be-comes grey first because it’s sixteen years older than their mustaches and beards.”
◆As a freshman, George had to take a course inwestern civili-zation from a certain profe-ssor--his father. “What is it like to have your dad for class?”he was constantly asked. “Not as stran-ge as you might think, ”he re-plied.” My father has been lec-turing me all my life. I just never had to take notes be-fore.”
◆Teacher: “What happens when there is an eclipse of the sun?”Pupil: “Many peo- ple go out into the streets to look at it.”
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