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學(xué)英語，看英語笑話
汽車配件 Automobile Fittings
A lorry driver makes inquiry of a mountaineer, "Excuse me, where can I buy the auto accessories(附件) in the neighborhood?"
Mountaineer says, "Some people usually drive heroic car on the road. There is a abrupt turn(急轉(zhuǎn)彎) ahead not far from here, and a clough(深谷) just below it, where you can find all kinds of the auto accessories. You will spend no money at all."
一個卡車司機向一山民打聽：“請問，這附近哪兒能買到汽車配件?”
山民說：“這條路上經(jīng)常有人開英雄車，前面不遠(yuǎn)處是個急轉(zhuǎn)彎，急轉(zhuǎn)彎的下面就是深谷，那深谷里什么樣的汽車配件都有——根本用不著花錢。”
拍賣會上 At Auction Fair
At auction spot, someone has lost a bag, in which has the vital document.
The owner says, "Once who picked it up brings it to me, I will take out 200 dollars to remunerate reward him or her."
On hearing the news, another chap(小伙子，家伙) shouts out:" I reward 300 dollars."
拍賣會上，有人的包丟了，里面裝有重要文件。物主說：“有誰揀到送還，我將拿出200美元以表酬謝。”
話剛出口，就聽有人喊：“我出300美元。”
The Doctor Knows Better
A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill."
"I am afraid that he is dead." said the doctor.
Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive."
"Be quiet, " said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"
一個男人在街上被出租車撞倒送進(jìn)了醫(yī)院。他的妻子站在他的床前對醫(yī)生說：“我想他傷得很厲害。”
醫(yī)生說：“恐怕他已經(jīng)死了。”
聽到醫(yī)生的話，這個男人轉(zhuǎn)動著頭說：“我沒死，我還活著。”
妻子說：“安靜，醫(yī)生比你懂得多。”
I Don't Need to Steal Any More
The owner of a large department store went over hisbooks and discovered that his most trusted employee had stolenover a million dollars from the firm.“I want no scandal，” saidthe owner.“I'll just fire you.” The employee replied，“True，I robbed your firm of quitea tidy sum. I now have yachts， a country mansion， jewelry，and every luxury you can think of. I don't need a thing， sowhy hire somebody else and have him start from scratch?”
一家大百貨店的老板在查帳中發(fā)現(xiàn)，他最信任的雇員從公司偷走了一百多萬美元。“我不要丑聞。”老板說。“我只要開除你。”那個雇員回答說：“不錯，我是偷了你公司相當(dāng)一大筆錢�，F(xiàn)在我有游艇、一座鄉(xiāng)村別墅、珠寶，以及你能想到的一切 奢侈品。我什么都不需要了，你為什么要再雇個人來，讓他從頭做起呢?”
合理的憂傷
On his deathbed poor Lubin lies; His spouse is in despair; With frequent sobs and mutual cries; They both express their care. “A different cause，”says Parson Sly， “The same effect may give： Poor Lubin fears that he may die ; His wife，that he may live”.
馬修·普賴厄 可憐的魯賓躺在他的病床里; 他的妻子陷入絕望; 頻頻啜泣，相對哭啼， 他們都表達(dá)著憂傷。 “不同原因，”滑頭牧師說， “可產(chǎn)生同樣結(jié)果： 可憐的魯賓怕他會死; 他老婆，怕他會活。”
Compare other things?比一下其他?
Compare other things?比一下其他?
Son: Mom, John has a pair of shoes with Gordon’s name signed.
Mom: You just care about this? Haven’t you compared other things?
Son: Yes, his mother is prettier than you.
兒子：媽媽，John有雙喬丹簽名的球鞋。
媽媽：你只關(guān)心這個嗎?不會比一下其它東西?
兒子：有啊，他媽媽比你漂亮。
What are the Two Words?
A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter. My dear, said the old lady, I wish you would do something for me. I wish you would promise me never to use two words. One is ‘lousy’ and the other is ‘swell’. Would you promise me that?
Why, sure, Granny, said the girl. What are the two words?
一個非常和藹的老夫人有幾句話要對她的孫女說。我親愛的，老夫人說，我希望你能幫我一個忙。我要你答應(yīng)永遠(yuǎn)不要用兩個詞，一個是“討厭的”，另一個是“極好的”。你能答應(yīng)我嗎?
噢，當(dāng)然，奶奶。女孩說：是哪兩個詞?
奇猜異想
Our physics professor was struggling to draw the class into discussion of Archimede's principle of water displacement. He told us that Archimede noticed that when he got into a pool at the public bathhouse, the water rose spilling over the edge. Excited at his discovery, he ran down the street yelling, "Eureka, eureka!" The instructor asked if anyone knew what that meant.
One student stood up and answered, "I'm naked ! I'm naked!"
我們的物理教授千方百計引導(dǎo)我們討論阿基米德的排水原理。他告訴我們阿基米德去公共浴池洗澡，他進(jìn)入池子，發(fā)現(xiàn)水漲高了，溢出池沿。他對這一發(fā)現(xiàn)十分激動，跑到街上高叫：“Eureka，Eureka!”教授問我們誰知道他喊的是什么意思。
一個學(xué)生站起來答道：“我光屁股啦，我光屁股啦!”
離婚
A husband and wife,both 91,stood before a judge,asking for a divorce."I don't understand,"He said,"Why do you want a divorce at this time of life?"
the husband explained "Well , you see,We wanted to wait until the children died."
有一個丈夫和妻子都是91歲，他們站在法官面前，要求離婚。“我不明白，”法官說，“你們?yōu)槭裁吹搅诉@把年紀(jì)還要離婚?”
丈夫解釋道：“嗯，你是知道的，我們以前是喲等到孩子們都死了。”
A Man Who Said No 說不的男子
A friend of mine noticed a man staggering about in the Times Square subway station. A well-dressed Wall Street type, his coat was unbuttoned, a briefcase dangled from his hand and he'd obviously had one too many.
Asked if he was all right, the man gave a slurred but affirmative response. However, my friend simply could not see someone brave the rough maw of a New York subway without trying to help. He followed the chap, and again asked, "Are you sure you're all right? What subway are you looking for? Do you need help getting home?"
At last, the object of his attentions snarled, in a low voice, "Leave me alone! I'm an undercover cop!"
我的一位朋友看到一個男子在時代廣場的地鐵車站搖搖晃晃地走。那個人穿著時髦，敞著懷，一個手提箱在他的手里懸吊著，很明顯他是多喝了一杯。
我朋友問他怎么樣，那男子含糊而肯定地回答說沒問題。然而我朋友就是不能眼看著有人在紐約地鐵獨入是非之地而置之不顧。他跟在那家伙的后面，又一次問道：“你肯定你沒事?你在找哪個地鐵站?你需要幫忙回家嗎?”
他所注意的對象終于忍耐不住了，對他低聲咆哮道：“你給我走開!我是便衣警察!”
博士與小廝
A wealthy old lady who lived near Dr.Swift used to send him presents occasionally by her servant.Dr.Swift took her presents but never gave the boy anything for his trouble.One day as Swift was busy with his writing， the boy rushed into his room， knocked some books out of their place， threw his parcelon the desk and said，“ my mistress has sent you two of herrab bits.” Swift turned round and said，“My boy， that is not the way to deliver your parcel.Now， you sit in my chair，watch my way of doing it and learn your lesson.” The boy sat down. Swift went out， knocked on his door and waited. The boy said“Come in.” The doctor entered，walked to his desk and said，“If you please sir， my mistress sends her kind regards and hopes you will accept these rabbits which her son shot this morning in her fields.” The boy answered，“Thank you， my boy， Give your mistress and her son my thanks for their kindness and here is two shillings for yourself.” The Doctor laughed， and after that， Swift never forgot to give the boy his tip.
在斯威夫特博士家附近，有一位富有的老婦人，她時常打發(fā)仆人給他送禮物。斯威夫特博士接受她的禮物，但從不給小廝任何酬謝。一天，斯威夫特博士正忙著寫東西，小廝沖進(jìn)了他的房間，把書一扒拉，將一個包裹扔在書桌上，說道：“我的女主人送給你兩只兔子。” 斯威夫特轉(zhuǎn)過身來說：“孩子，包裹可不是這樣送法呀�，F(xiàn)在，你坐在我的椅子上，看看我是怎么送的，并要記取這個教訓(xùn)。” 小廝坐了下來，斯威夫特走出去，敲了敲門，等待回音。小廝說“進(jìn)來”。博士進(jìn)了門，走到桌旁說道：“先生，我的女主人向您致以親切的問候，并希望您收下這些兔子，這是她兒子今天早晨在地里打的。” 小廝回答說：“謝謝你，我的孩子。向你的女主人和她的兒子致謝，謝謝他們的關(guān)心。這兩個先令是送給你本人的。” 博士笑了，打那以后，斯威夫特從沒忘記送小費給小廝。
醫(yī)生住在樓下
"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."
He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."
“我想讓你坦率地說我到底得了什么病。”
他從頭到腳打量打量她，然后大聲說：“太太，我有三件事要對你說。第一，您的體重需要減少大約50磅;第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口紅，您的美貌將會改變。第三，我是一位畫家——醫(yī)生住在樓下。”
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