精選英語笑話

　　笑話是一個漢語詞匯，拼音是xiào hua，意思是引人發(fā)笑的話或事情。笑話具有篇幅短小，故事情節(jié)簡單而巧妙，往往出人意料，給人突然之間笑神來了的奇妙感覺的特點。以下是小編整理的精選英語笑話，希望對大家有所幫助。

　　英語笑話1

　　1.One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of

　　the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and

　　immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furioulsy,

　　although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be

　　disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10

　　minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor

　　told him he would not take the test.

　　The student asked, "Do you know who I am?"

　　The prof said, "No and I don't care."

　　The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?"

　　The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests,

　　placed his in the middle, then threw the papers in the air.

　　"Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.

　　2.A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.

　　The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

　　In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle

　　seat near the rear of the bus.

　　The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what

　　was wrong.

　　"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

　　The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't

　　say

　　things to insult passengers."

　　"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a

　　piece of my mind."

　　"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

　　3.his worked fine with my level 200a on up.

　　A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged to a sailor

　　and had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered that the parrot

　　mostly know bad words. At first he thought it was funny, but then it

　　became tiresome, and finally, when the man had important guests, the

　　bird's bad words embarrassed him very much.

　　As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot,"That

　　language must stop!". But the bird answered him with curses. He shook the

　　bird and shouted again, "Don't use those ugly words!" Again the bird

　　cursed him.

　　Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the

　　refrigerator. But it had no effect. From inside the refrigerator,the

　　parrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again

　　the bird spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened the

　　door of the freezer , threw the bird into it, and closed the door.

　　This time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened the door

　　and removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering parrot walked up

　　the man's arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding very

　　frightened:

　　"I'll be good, I promise...Those chickens in there.. what did they say?"

　　4.A man's dog has a problem so he takes him to the vet's. The vet looks at

　　the dog and says that he'll have to take him to the examining room. In the

　　examining room, he takes a cat out of a cage and lets the cat walk all

　　over the dog, but the dog doesn't do anything.

　　The doctor say "Your dog is dead."

　　The man goes out to the receptionist and asks for his bill.

　　"That'll be $325" says the receptionist.

　　"What! $325? How's that possible?"

　　"It's $25 for the consultation, and $300 for the Cat scan."

　　NOTE: The students might not recognise the word CAT scan.

　　英語笑話2

　　1、Midway Tactics

　　Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.

　　The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"

　　The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"

　　The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".

　　中間戰(zhàn)術(shù)

　　三個互相爭生意的商店老板在一條商業(yè)街上租用了毗鄰的店鋪。旁觀者等著瞧好戲。

　　右邊的零售商掛起了巨大的招牌，上書：“大減價!”“特便宜!”

　　左邊的商店掛出了更大的招牌，聲稱：“大砍價!”“大折扣!”

　　中間的商人隨后準備了一個大招牌，上面只簡單地寫著：“入口處”。

　　2、Very Pleased to Meet You

　　During World War II, a lot of young women in Britain were in the army. Joan Phillips was one of them. She worked in a big camp, and of course met a lot of men, officers and soldiers.

　　One evening she met Captain Humphreys at a dance. He said to her, "I‘m going abroad tomorrow, but I‘d be very happy if we could write to each other." Joan agreed, and they wrote for several months.

　　Then his letters stopped, but she received one from another officer, telling her that he had been wounded and was in a certain army hospital in England.

　　Joan went there and said to the matron, "I‘ve come to visit Captain Humphreys."

　　"Only relatives are allowed to visit patients here," the matron said.

　　"Oh, that‘s all right," answered Joan. "I‘m his sister."

　　"I‘m very pleased to meet you," the matron said, "I‘m his mother!"

　　在第二次世界大戰(zhàn)中，有許多年輕的婦女在軍營中服役。瓊.飛利浦斯是其中之一。她在一個大軍營中工作，當(dāng)然遇到了許多男士，包括軍官和士兵。

　　一天晚上她在舞會上遇到了軍官漢弗雷斯。他對她說，“我明天就要出國，但如果我們能夠相互寫信，我會很高興。”瓊同意了，于是他們幾個月里一直通著信。

　　后來，他再沒有來信。她收到了另一個軍官的信，告訴她，他受傷了，住在英格蘭的某個部隊醫(yī)院里。

　　瓊到了醫(yī)院，她對護士長說，“我來看望軍官漢弗雷斯。”

　　“這里只有親屬可以探望病人�！弊o士長說。

　　“噢，是的，”瓊說，“我是他的妹妹。”

　　“很高興認識你，”護士長說，“我是他的母親�！�

　　3、Two Soldiers

　　Two soldiers were in camp. The first one‘s name was George, and the second one‘s name was Bill. George said, "have you got a piece of paper and an envelope, Bill?"

　　Bill said, "Yes, I have," and he gave them to him.

　　Then George said, "Now I haven‘t got a pen." Bill gave him his, and George wrote his letter. Then he put it in the envelope and said, "have you got a stamp, Bill?" Bill gave him one.

　　Then Bill got up and went to the door, so George said to him, "Are you going out?"

　　Bill Said, "Yes, I am," and he opened the door.

　　George said, "Please put my letter in the box in the office, and..." He stopped.

　　"What do you want now?" Bill said to him.

　　George looked at the envelope of his letter and answered, "What‘s your girl-friend‘s address?"

　　軍營里有二名士兵，一個叫喬治，一個叫比爾。喬治問：“比爾，你有信紙、信封嗎?”

　　比爾說：“有�！比缓蟀研偶埡托欧饨o了喬治。

　　喬治又說：“我還沒有筆呢。”比爾又把自己的筆給了他。喬治開始寫信。寫完后把信放進信封里，又問：“比爾，你有郵票嗎?”比爾給了他一張。

　　這時比爾站起來，向門口走去。喬治問：“你要出去嗎?”

　　比爾說：“是的�！彪S即打開了門。

　　喬治說：“請幫我把這封信投進辦公室的信箱里，還有...”他停住了。

　　“你還要什么?”比爾問。

　　喬治看著信封說：“你女朋友的地址是-?”

　　4、Five Months Older

　　The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.

　　But John‘s brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy‘s family name, so when he saw John‘s papers, he was surprised.

　　"How old are you?" he said.

　　"Eighteen, sir," said John.

　　"But your brother was eighteen, too," said the doctor. "Are you twins?"

　　"Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face went red. "My brother is five months older than I am."

　　大五個月

　　第二次世界大戰(zhàn)開始了，約翰想?yún)④�，可他只有十六歲，當(dāng)時規(guī)定男孩到十八歲才能入伍。所以軍醫(yī)給他進行體檢時，他說他已經(jīng)十八歲了。

　　可約翰的哥哥剛?cè)胛闆]幾天，而且也是這個軍醫(yī)給他做的檢查。這位醫(yī)生還記得他哥哥的姓。所以當(dāng)他看到約翰的表格時，感到非常驚奇。

　　“你多大了?”軍醫(yī)問。

　　“十八，長官�！奔s翰說。

　　“可你的哥哥也是十八歲，你們是雙胞胎嗎?”

　　約翰臉紅了，說：“哦，不是，長官，我哥哥比我大五個月�！�

　　5、West Point

　　My father, brother and I visited West Point to see a football game between Army and Boston College. Taking a stroll before kickoff, we met many cadets in neatly pressed uniforms. Several visting fans asked the recruits if they would pose for photographs, "to show our son what to expect if he should attend West Point."

　　One middle-aged couple approached a very attractive female cadet and asked her to pose for a picture. They explained, "We want to show our son what he missed by not coming to West Point."

　　父親、哥哥和我到西點軍校去觀看一場陸軍與波士頓大學(xué)之間的橄欖球賽。開始之前，我們到處轉(zhuǎn)了轉(zhuǎn)，碰到許多穿著整齊制服的學(xué)員。幾名游客問新兵是否愿意擺出軍姿來讓他們攝�！昂米屛覀兊�'兒子知道，如果他到西點軍校來學(xué)習(xí)會得到什么�！�

　　一對中年夫婦走近一名非常漂亮的女學(xué)員，問她是否愿意擺個姿勢照相。他們解釋說：“我們想讓兒子知道他沒來西點軍校錯過了什么。”

　　6、Present for Girlfriend

　　At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Shall I engrave her name on it?" the jeweler asked.

　　The customer thought for a moment, and then said, "No-engrave it ‘To my one and only love‘. That way, if we ever break up, I can use it again."

　　送給女友的禮物

　　在一家珠寶店里，一位年輕人買了一個貴重的小金盒作為送給女友的禮物�！耙�我把她的名字刻在上面嗎?”珠寶商問道。

　　那名顧客想了一會兒，然后說道：“不--在上面刻‘給我唯一的愛’。這樣，如果我們鬧崩了，我還可以再用到它。”

　　英語笑話3

　　1、 "A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats' milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, "What do you do with your older goats in America?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"

　　一群美國人乘長途汽車在荷蘭旅游。他們在一個奶酪場停下來。一位年輕的導(dǎo)游帶他們參觀了奶酪制作的全過程，解釋說用的是羊奶。 她指給這群人一個美麗的山坡，山坡上許多羊在吃草。對這些，她解釋說，是放逐草地的老羊，它們已不能再產(chǎn)奶。她然后問道：“在美國你們怎樣處理老羊呢？” 一位活潑的老紳士回答說：“他們讓我們乘車旅行！”"

　　2、 Ask Your OwnIt was a cold，raw day at Washington．Champ Clark was discussing the gamins of the cities with an English visitor．The latter expatiated on the wit of the London type of the genius．Clark declared that if the Englishman were to ask any Washington street urchin any question，the urchin would make anaptreply．They sallied forth． “What time is it，Bub？They tell me you can tell time by your nose，”said the visitor to the first newsboy they met． “Ask your own，mister，mine ain't run nin’，”was the reply．

　　這是華盛頓的一個陰冷天。錢普·克拉克正和一個來訪的英國人討論城市的流浪兒，英國人詳細地敘述著倫敦式天才的機智�？死�克宣稱，要是對方向華盛頓街上任何一個兒童提任何問題，那孩子都會對答如流。他們便出發(fā)了。 “什么時候了，小兄弟？人們說你能用鼻子報時�！� 回答是：“先生，問問你自己的吧，的不在走呢�！�

　　3、 "The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student. "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked."I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied."Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the impressed dean."No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it.

　　農(nóng)校的招生辦主任在面試一個上線的學(xué)生，“你為何要選擇這個職業(yè)？”他問。 “我夢想以經(jīng)營農(nóng)場來賺一百萬元，就像我父親一樣�！边@個學(xué)生回答說。 “你父親經(jīng)營農(nóng)場賺了一百萬元？”主任驚詫地問道。“沒有，”這位申請人回答道，“他總是夢想著賺到這個數(shù)目。”

　　4、 "Uncle Frank, at 79, was a healthy and wealthy man, a lifelong bachelor. He courted a lot, he said, but "never boiled over-just simmered." On a whim, he decided to take a trip around the country to look up nearly a dozen old girlfriends. Upon his return he exclaimed, "Whew! Thank goodness I never married any of those women - They're all widows now!

　　弗蘭克叔叔七十八歲了，富有而健康。他是個終生單身漢。他曾追求過很多女孩，但“從不過熱----見好就收”。一天他突發(fā)奇想，決定四處走走，去看看他那些接近一打的舊時女友。他回來即嘆道：“噓！謝天謝地幸虧我沒娶那些女人中的任何一個。如今她們都成寡婦了！”

　　5、 "A boy cried to his mother, "All the children make fun of me. They say I have a big head." "Don't listen to them," his mother said, "You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store to buy twenty pounds of patotoes.""Where is the shopping bag?" "I haven't got one-use your hat."

　　一個小男孩向他母親哭訴道：“他們都取笑我，說我腦袋大�！� “別聽他們的，”他母親安慰道，“你有一個很漂亮的腦袋。好啦，別哭了，去商店買十斤土豆來。” “購物袋在哪兒？” “沒購物袋了----就用你的帽子吧�！�

　　6、 "Hurrying my 11-year old daughter to school, I made a right turn at a red light when it was prohibited. Uh-oh, I said, realizing my mistake. I just make an illegal turn.I guess it's all right, my daughter replied, The police car behind us did the same thing.

　　我趕著開車將11歲的女兒送到學(xué)校去，在紅燈處右拐了，而那是不允許的(譯注:在一些國家如英國,其交通規(guī)則是車輛左行的,與我國相反)。啊噢，意識到犯了錯誤，我說。我剛才拐彎是違章的。我想那沒關(guān)系的，女兒回答說：我們后面的.警車也同樣拐了彎。"

　　7、 "A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.The driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

　　乘客輕拍了一下出租車司機的肩膀，想問個問題。司機大叫起來，車也失去了控制，幾乎撞上一輛公車，還上了便道，在還差幾厘米就撞上商店櫥窗時終于停了下來。司機說：“伙計，別再這么干了。你把我嚇破膽了！”乘客抱歉地說，“我沒想到拍你一下就嚇成這樣�！� 司機說：“對不起，也不全是你的錯。今天是我第一天開出租，以前25年里我一直開殯葬車�！�

　　8、 A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS Rottweiler "JESUS".

　　一個竊賊潛入一戶人家。他看到一個喜歡的CD機，他趕緊拿了。就在這個時候他聽到有人說：“耶穌正在看著你�！彼�照著手電看來看去，嘀咕著：“到底是什么人在說話？”這時，他看到桌子上有些錢，他又拿了。。。那聲音又來了：“耶穌正在看著 你�！彼�躲到一個角落，想找 出是誰在說話。結(jié)果看到一只鸚鵡，于是他問鸚鵡：“是你在說話嗎？”鸚 鵡承認了。 小賊說：“你叫什么名字？”“摩西”。小賊說：“什么人給鳥取這種名字？”鸚鵡回答：“就是那個給他的羅威那犬取名為‘耶穌’的那個人啊�！�

　　9、 "The girl found the go-between and said, "You cheated me ! One of his eyes is not true. Why didn't you tell me this before ?" "I have told you. " said the go-between with justice on his side, When you met first, I told you that he settled on you with one eye.

　　姑娘找到媒人，說：“你欺騙了我。他的一只眼是假眼，你以前為什么不告訴我？” “怎么沒告訴你？”媒人也不甘示弱，“你們第一回見面后，我就說，他一眼就看中你了�！�

　　10、 "Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents'. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the younger one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."To which the younger one replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

　　兩個小男孩在他們的祖父母家過夜。睡覺時間到了，這兩個小男孩跪在床上祈禱。弟弟用非常大的聲音祈禱著，“我祈求有一輛新自行車……我祈求有一個新游戲機……我祈求有一個新錄像機……”他的哥哥用胳膊肘輕輕地碰了他一下，說：“你為什么這么大聲地喊叫呢？上帝又不是聾子�！钡艿苈犃嘶卮鸬溃骸吧系凼遣幻@，可奶奶聾呀！”

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