英語笑話:I Can't Let Him Get Away
一、A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him. She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways. Wow, she thought, this crab is really special. I can't let him get away. So they got married immediately.The next day she noticed her new husband walking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset. "What happened?" she asked." You used to walk straight before we were married.""Oh, honey, " he replied, "I can't drink that much every day.
二、A dog owner claimed that his pet, when given money, would go to the news stall to buy a paper. His friend insisted on a demonstration and handed the dog some money - The dogtrotted(小跑) off, but an hour later he had still not returned with the paper."How much did you give him?" asked the owner."Five dollars.""Well, that explains it. When you give him five dollars, he goes to a movie."
三、Walking on the beach one day he saw a crab, went to see what happens, suddenly crabpincers(鉗子) folder, then crab bush run. Tiger jumped the pain, followed by the recovery of crabs!Catch up with no trees on the crab, and then to see a tiger in Shou Network spiders, tiger angry at Spider: Good you a crab! Do you think you posted on the Web and I do not recognize you!
四、A curious guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it's right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings. "Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German," replies the shop keeper."And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious shopper inquires."I fall off my perch you fool!!" screeches the parrot.
五、A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala(歡慶的) charity event was taking place.Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution."Great idea!" the chicken cried."Let's offer hem ham and eggs?""Not so fast," said the pig testily. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."
六、A jackal(豺，走狗) who was going to be eaten by a lion. The jackal said to the lion: "No, please, you can't eat me! You can't eat me! This will be a great mistake. If you eat me, that'll be terrible, that will be a disaster, that will be the end of the world!"The lion was very puzzled and said: "How come? How come if I eat you, the world will end?"The jackal said:"Because if you eat me, that will be the end of the world for me!"
七、"I am in desperate need of help -- or I'll go crazy. We're living in a single room -- my wife, my children and my in-laws. So our nerves are on edge, we yell and scream at one another. The room is a hell.""Do you promise to do whatever I tell you?" said the Master gravely."I swear I shall do anything.""Very well. How many animals do you have?""A cow, a goat and six chickens.""Take them all into the room with you. Then come back after a week."Thedisciple(門徒，信徒) was appalled(驚駭?shù)? . But he had promised to obey! So he took the animals in. A week later he came back, apitiable(可憐的) figure, moaning(呻吟) , "I'm a nervous wreck. The dirt! Thestench(惡臭) ! The noise! We're all on the verge of madness!""Go back," said the Master, "and put the animals out."The man ran all the way home. And came back the following day, his eyes sparkling with joy. "How sweet life is! The animals are out. The home is a Paradise, so quiet and clean and roomy!
八、A middle aged couple is watching TV when a TVEvangelist(福音傳教士) comes on and promises to heal the sick."If only you would pray with Him, place your right hand in the air, and place your left hand on theafflicted(折磨的') area, the Almighty Lord will heal you."So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch(胯部) and his wife says "Gee honey he said heal the sick, not raise the dead!"
九、A preacher, who was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equippastors(牧師) for their ministry.Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers(電動揚聲器) . One such boldly approached the pulpit(講道臺) and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"The crowd was shocked!He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.The next week, our pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon(布道，訓(xùn)誡) . As he approached the pulpit that Sunday, he tried to rehearse(排練) the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that was not my wife!"The congregation(集會，圣會) inhaled in surprise. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned(受驚的) silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
十、Bat ProblemThree pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything----noise, spray, cats----nothing seems to scare them away."Another said, "Yes, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've been had the place fumigated, and they still won't go away.""The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church...haven't seen one back since!"
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